Coming To Terms
By: Dani L. Gustavich
Society's Child
If you wouldn't have raised me
On assumptions,
Maybe you wouldn't have had to
Dust me off
Every birthday and Christmas
Just to play with me.
You might as well have
Skipped the sex and
Molded me out of clay yourself.
Then, at least, maybe I'd feel
Obligated
To agree with your ways.
Well, I don't want to be
Your baby doll anymore,
Yet I continue
To throw sparks against the wind,
Becoming more and more close
To resembling
That distorted image of me
That you've always had
In your mind.
You've imposed that question
Time after time,
Never giving me any other option
But to say "no."
You don't know where to start,
You don't know when to stop,
But you sure as hell know how to
Keep dragging it on.
One of these days,
I'm going to turn around and
Let the wind sweep me
Right off my feet.
Your vision of me
Will burn
Straight
To the ground.
I will land
Wherever fate drops me
And begin to live my
Crooked,
Out-of-the-closet
Life.
Boost
The overwhelming depth of
Your fiery soul
Overlooks the
Nothingness
Of the world at its feet.
I get my boost
From old boxes and chairs,
Dangerously stacked,
Bending in the direction of
Your light.
Trying hard not to look down,
I take a deep breath
And begin my never-ending climb
To look you
Straight in the eye,
Never realizing that you
Have already begun
Your charitable plummet down
In case I am
Never
To reach
The top.
Corner
My tired eyes scan the room,
Looking for a warm spot
To call my own for the night.
A shadow on the wall beckons to me
As a cool breeze blows through the window.
The bed looks comfortable,
But I choose to stay where I've been invited.
As a child, I was forced to stand there
But now, I live for the day
When I am welcomed back.
And as I cuddle up in the corner,
My right eye cries,
Leaving my left eye
To clearly see
That there is always hope
For a strong heart
Like mine.
Warm Whispers
Warm whispers slip out of your mouth
And slither around the dark corners of the night,
Creeping in and out of sewers,
Flowing against the current of the stream,
Like a faraway fantasy; a nightmarish dream.
They tickle their way up and down my spine,
Scarring me with goose bumps,
The hairs on my arms frightfully stand at complete attention.
My eyes blink open and shut,
One at a time,
So I can see that the words which enter me
Are yours
As I breathe them in with the air I gasp
And you once again fulfill me with
Warm whispers,
Which slip out of your mouth
And search for the path
That will lead them home.
Drip
Thoughts of you pour through my head,
Swirling, curling, washing
Old pains from my heart.
Warming me,
Massaging me,
Comforting me,
Rushing over me,
Lifting me up so high,
Knowing you're all I want,
Believing you're more than I thought I needed,
Loving the way I feel
When I dream
That you could actually be mine
Until reality sets in and
The memories,
Which are all I have left of you,
All I have left of us
Drip
Drip
Drip
Through my mind
Like Chinese water torture.
Drip.
The color of your eyes the first time I saw you smile.
Drip
The warmth of your hugs,
Your big, warm hugs,
Neither of us wanting to be the first to let go.
Drip
The way you made me that peppermint tea and
Sweetened it just right, even though you don't sweeten yours.
Drip
How you held your mug with both hands
Wrapped around it and slowly lifted it up to
Your lips,
The lips that kissed me good-bye.
Drip
The look on your face when you noticed that
I was watching you sip your Earl Grey.
The
Drip
Drip
Drip
Of the tears that sprinkle this page
As I write,
Smearing the words into distortion
Like reflections of myself
Without you.
Is the infinite distance
You've wedged between us
A safeguard for your heart?
Was the timing just bad?
Did I make you mad?
How can thoughts of you make me so happy
But the memories make me so sad?
I love you.
How?
When distance makes your heart grow fonder,
But it only makes my heart break harder,
Then you're not the one for me.
When you tell me that you're doing fine
But I can't get you off my mind,
Then you're not the one for me.
When you said you'd treat me so good that I'd want to stay,
But all you did was push me away,
Then you're not the one for me.
When all the love in your heart
Has only forced us farther apart,
Then you're not the one for me.
But when I found my home in your arms
And felt free from worry and from harm,
When everything in your kiss
Filled my world with love and bliss,
When the color of your eyes
Was bluer than the bluest skies,
How can I make my heart believe
That you are not the one for me?
Inanimate Stalker
Down at my favorite coffee shop,
She hangs,
Watching me as I sit,
Hypnotizing me with her face,
Her eyes hauntingly whispering a secret
Which she blinks out in Morse Code.
I can't seem to crack it.
I change seats in a feeble attempt
To avert my attention elsewhere,
But I feel her presence,
Her eyes following me
Like a dark shadow in the night,
Luring me back to the couch
I didn't want to get up from in the first place.
I sit.
I try not to stare.
I sip my eskimocha
And wonder what she's going to tell me next,
If I'm the only one she talks to,
If I'm the only one so painstakingly
Drawn to this painting
On the wall.
I know she'll haunt my dreams
Tonight.
Stay
Lying here in bed,
Trying not to think,
Trying not to breathe too hard.
My head pounding,
Keeping time with the beat of my heart.
My pulse is racing,
But all I am doing is
Lying here,
Waiting for the pain to
Disappear.
It won't stop aching, burning, yearning,
Pounding, grinding, finding ways
To bring my thoughts back to you.
I can't write anymore,
I can't read anymore,
I can't think anymore,
I
Can't
Live
Anymore
Without you popping up somewhere.
I love you,
But I hate not being able to get far enough away from you.
We don't write, we don't call,
We've no more connection at all.
But still, I can't get far enough away
From your despicable lies,
Your big, bright blue
eyes.
The way you gave me no choice.
The sound of your voice.
The way you don't seem to care.
Your shiny, brown hair.
The way you shrugged all the while.
Your beautiful smile.
The way you could never understand.
The touch of your hand.
Was I such a disgrace?
Then get out of my face!
Get out of my head!
Get out of my bed!
Get out of my fears!
Get out of my tears!
And if we were wrong from the start,
Then get out
Of my heart.
Not Interested
Sitting in the silence of your heart unexposed,
Withering away in the dry heat of my mind.
Your foot taps in time with the blink of my eyes.
You say that nothing could ever compare to this.
But I know,
I know that I'm only here for a moment.
Tomorrow, I'll be gone
And you'll find a memory to compare to my leaving.
And I'll feel bad about it for a while,
But if you would have listened all of the times I said I wasn't interested,
We wouldn't be here right now.
I'll move on as planned, like time, like the wind.
You'll get over me and find someone else who
Shows the slightest bit of interest in you.
I Miss You
I miss you.
My arms are empty at night
Without you.
I long to hold you tight.
I love you.
I wish you were here with me.
With you,
There's so much more that I can see.
I want to be by your side
All day and all night,
Seeing your dreams,
Being your light.
When you smile,
Your beauty is mirrored into my soul.
When you kiss me,
My whole world is full of love and happiness.
There's no place that I'd rather be.
Than to be there with you
Or you here with me.
Demon
The angelic demon
Watches over me,
Invading my thoughts
Blocking my dreams,
Controlling my actions,
Spitting fires,
Breeding liars,
Screeching tires,
I try to STOP!
But my peace wants
Nothing to do with itself.
Call Me
I sit, waiting, anticipating,
Longing to hear your voice
Belonging to the soul at the other
End of the line;
The voice that sends shivers up my spine,
Goosebumps all over,
Making me sober.
I stare at the wall
In complete silence,
Waiting for you to break it,
Wanting you to take it away.
There was once a time when the silence was
All I wanted to hear
But now, my eyes swell with tears
As I sit waiting, anticipating
To hear your voice on the line.
My Star
Watching you in the middle of the night,
The reflection of the moon shining on your cheeks.
When you closed your eyes,
Their twinkle was sent to the sky,
Waiting to return home
In the morning.
Lullaby
Now is the time for you to rest.
Just lay your head upon my chest.
Close your eyes and dream the dreams
That, only to you, are true, it seems.
That only to you are worth the thought,
That only to you true love has brought.
And when you awaken in the morn,
May another beautiful day be born.
Lonely Insomniac I
2:02 AM.
Can't sleep.
Don't think I want to.
Bells in the back of my mind
Tell me to get up.
I have yet to lie down.
Lonely Insomniac II
Another sleepless night.
The bottom sheet keeps coming untucked.
The feeling of my flesh scraping against
The naked mattress sends shivers up the spines of
Innocent neighbors.
Too tired to sleep.
Too awake to notice.
Too lonely to care.
Contract
And you thought there was only one place where
"The sun doesn't shine!"
Well, let me tell you, honey.
When Aunt Flo comes over and
Moses can't part your red sea,
I'm the plumber you're looking for.
And if you'll agree to flush my shell
So that I can reject the thought
Of some ignorant/creative kid
Using my armor as a telescope,
I'll give you my "No TSS Guarantee."
I'll catch the painful clotting.
I'll save you from embarrassing spotting
Until you tug on my string
Like a fatally stabbed marionette
And flush me out of your life
Forever.
Six Feet of Silence
Once a year, if I'm lucky,
Someone will come around and weed
But the weeping stopped years ago,
About the same time as the fresh flowers began to weep
And were replaced with artificial blossoms,
Now faded by the sun,
Much like the thoughts and memories
That made my life so real;
That persuaded me to march on through the pitch black night;
To know that the footsteps echoing above me,
Pushing me a little farther down,
Would make my spirits rise.
Now, as I lie, constrained in my own home,
I wonder if my welcome mat has been muddied up
By the caretaker's boots,
Turning people away
From one of the only places
Where even the softest voice
Can be heard.
